Beautiful and Calm
by DizzyAlice
Summary: As soon as you see me you straighten your shoulders and put on a smile because you want me to see you strong and brave. Because you hate letting people see that other side of you, the one that gets sad and angry and sometimes gives up, just a little bit.


_**Beautiful and Calm  
**A South Park Fanfiction by DizzyAlice_

A/N: There's a note on my profile about all my fics being on a hiatus at the moment. This is still very much true for many reasons, mostly because I want to put more focus on my original work. I'm also going through some stuff right now, and I've had a really bad art/writing block for the past couple months. So probably no updates anytime soon. I will update both _Play Crack the Sky_ and _Nothing Seemed to Turn Out Right_ eventually, I just can't do it right now. I most likely won't be writing anymore one-shots anytime soon, either. If you need to get in touch with me for any reason, send me a message. I check my email every day so I'll definitely see it. Or you could send me something on deviantArt, I'm on there a lot too. The link to my dA is on my profile if you're interested.  
But I couldn't very well leave poor Kyle without a fic on his birthday, now could I? =) So that is why you get this little treat from me. Tiny little fix for all your K-squared needs.  
Happy birthday, Kyle dearest :3  
Please review~

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It's 2:57 a.m. and you're sleeping on the couch in my living room. You got kicked out of your house again and showed up on my doorstep at 12:36 a.m. looking for a place to crash. You collapsed on the couch and fell asleep almost immediately. I tried to go upstairs and fall asleep as well, but I couldn't stop thinking about you down here on the couch, so I came back down and perched in this armchair to be with you.

This is the sixth time just this month you've ended up here, and I can't tell you how much it hurts to see you like this. Every time I open the door to see you standing there, with this immeasurable hurt in your broken eyes, it stabs me right in the chest. But as soon as you see me you straighten your hunched shoulders and plaster on a smile because you want me to see you strong and brave. Because you hate letting people see that other side of you, the one that gets sad and angry and sometimes gives up, just a little bit.

It's probably really creepy, but I like watching you sleep. Maybe it's just the way the moonlight is streaming through the window to dance across your bruised skin, or the tiny smile on your cracked lips, but you look more at peace than I've ever seen you. I wonder what you're dreaming about, and I hope it's of a place where you can't get hurt anymore, where you'll be happy.

I hug my knees in tight to my chest. There are so many things I want to say to you, but I can never find the words. With a lot of them, I'm afraid that if I say them, they'll scare you and you won't want to be my friend anymore. But I need you to be my friend, because I'd rather have you as my friend than not have you at all.

I mean, even if you weren't my friend, I'd still have Stan. And even Cartman, I guess. But I don't love them like I love you. I don't need them like I need you. I love Stan like a brother; I need him to balance me out. I don't love or need Cartman at all, really. Life would be duller without him, but I could be okay with that.

But you… you, you, you. You're different. Everything about you is different. And I love the different. I love everything that is you on so many levels, it feels unreal. And I need you to exist. Without you I would suffocate.

But these feelings are ridiculous. I know that you could never return them. There's just no way. It's weird enough that I fell for you in the first place, trapped in something that so clearly isn't meant to be. So you feeling the same way would be tempting fate. And this is why I can never tell you how I feel.

But still, I can't help but think there's a reason why it's always my house you come to when you get in fights with your parents, why it's always me you come to for advice, why I'm the first one you call to hang out. Maybe you have an ulterior motive. Or maybe I'm reading too much into things and you just consider me your closest friend. Either way, I don't plan on acting on my deeper feelings, now or ever.

But… really, why _can't_ I tell you? Right here, right now? You're clearly asleep. It's not like you'll hear me. It might be good, just to get these feelings I've been keeping locked up for so long out in the open, even if they're falling on deaf ears.

So why the hell not?

I take a deep breath and study your face, beautiful and calm.

"I love you," I murmur, my voice barely audible. "I love you, Kenny."

I hold my breath. Everything is quiet. And then I have to laugh at myself because, well, _look_ at me. Here I am making confessions and you're not even awake. God, I'm gay. I'm so glad no one was around to hear that. You guys would never let me live it down.

Shit. You're moving. Did I wake you up? I think I did. Shit. Your eyes are open.

"Kyle?" you ask in a groggy voice.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," I say quietly.

"What're you doing down here?"

"I couldn't sleep."

You sigh, and smile just a bit. You slide over to make room on the couch next to you. You pat the empty space and say sleepily, "C'mere."

I hesitate, then get up and cautiously lay down next to you, only touching you where it is completely necessary to prevent me from falling off the couch.

Your blue eyes are radiating in the moonlight, and I am completely enraptured by them. Although I know it was 3:12 a.m. when I left my armchair to join you on the couch, after that I lose track. Time doesn't matter in this quiet world, the one that consists only of you and me and this couch and the moon. In fact, time doesn't only not matter, it simply ceases to exist.

We talk about nothing and everything for a long while. It's only when my eyelids start drooping and my words are being interrupted by yawns that we finally stop.

"Go to sleep," you say when my blinks are becoming longer than the time my eyes are open. I nod and let them stay closed.

My mind starts drifting into the sweet abyss of sleep. I let myself burrow into your warmth, every limb of my body touching every limb of yours. I bury my head in your chest and smile.

I'm floating on that misty area between consciousness and dreaming, slipping further into sleep. Just as I'm about to sink into the darkness, I feel you gently pet my hair and murmur, "I love you too, Kyle."

**The End.**


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